parentline-manawatu

Pressing Pause on Tech Tantrums: Positive Switch Off Strategies

Mon, 09 Jun 2025 22:12:46 GMT

Triple P Articles

Does managing screen time feel like a daily battle in your family? If so, you’re not alone. Many parents face frustration and pushback, but these challenges don’t mean you’re doing anything wrong.

The pull of screens is strong, and kids easily lose track of time: what feels like five minutes can turn into fifty. Many apps and games trigger dopamine responses, making it harder to step away. So when the screen goes off, children are not just pausing a game: they are abruptly ending something deeply absorbing and enjoyable.

But with the right tools and strategies, you can turn screen time struggles into opportunities for balance and connection, for any age group. By making screen time predictable, introducing engaging follow-on activities, using visual timers, and modeling calm responses to frustration, we can help kids navigate tech challenges with confidence.

Triple P’s latest article empowers parents and carers with straightforward information like this for a calm and positive approach to switching off screens.

For more tips and strategies to help you raise capable, confident kids, check out their online programs .

How to Build Confidence in Children

Tue, 12 Mar 2024 22:24:32 GMT

Tips from Triple P

Confidence is a superpower for kids. It helps them enjoy challenges, take reasonable risks, try new things and adjust well to school life. It can also buffer against social anxiety and school refusal. Parents and carers play a key role in building confidence up. Here are some tips to help.

First, praise their efforts, not just their achievements. Let them know you’re proud of their progress, no matter the outcome. Children also learn a lot by watching how you handle obstacles, so try to set a positive example.

Next, instead of trying to fix every problem for children, try asking questions like What have you tried so far? or What do you think might happen if you try this? Breaking a problem down into smaller steps can also help kids learn to work through it.

In addition, show confidence in their abilities by letting them do things for themselves as soon as they’re ready. Encourage them to set some challenging but realistic goals and praise their progress. Let them know losing or making a mistake doesn’t mean failure, it means they’re learning.

And finally, laughing is a great way for kids to express emotions and feel good about themselves. Enjoy those moments together – it’s all part of building a positive connection where confidence can blossom.

To explore this topic further, read Triple P’s article.

Free online parenting support from the Triple P – Positive Parenting Program® helps you raise happier, more confident kids.

Preparing Your Child for the New School Year

Mon, 15 Feb 2016 03:14:56 GMT

Preparing Your Child for the New School Year

School is fast approaching for most children and with all ages and stages there is some degree of anxiety involved. Will I like my teacher, will I have any friends in my class, what happens if I can’t manage being in Year 3, 6 or 11? How do we make sure this anxiety is minimized for our children?

Preparation

Do what you can to make sure your child knows as much about the school as they can. Perhaps you could make sure they know someone at the school, or catch up with a friend during the holidays. It’s always good to take a visit to school and walk round in the evening when no-one else is there, remind children of which room they will be in, how to find the toilets and which parts of the playground is for their age group. Familiarity makes for confidence.

Be organized as their parent. Make sure you have thought about school beforehand, get the uniform, make sure you name everything and have school lunch ingredients ready for easy put-together. Make the mornings as calm as possible for your child and they’ll be in a better place to learn. Even if school was a nightmare for you, speak positively about school and how you know they’ll be doing interesting things there. Your attitude influences your child’s.

Feelings

Children have lots of different feelings about going to school and sometimes it’s really helpful to name some of these feelings for them. You may say something like ‘Some people get a bit scared when they go back to school after the holidays, is that how you feel?’, the child will tell you if you’re not right and it might be the beginning of a good discussion about feelings. Emotional intelligence is something which helps us throughout our lives and the earlier children can identify their feelings and know ways of dealing with them, the more successful they will be.

New Zealand schools are often very hot during February and children can get very tired. Make sure you have something for them to eat and a cold drink when they finish for the day. You might also like to give them a bit of ‘me’ time as they’ve been working very hard to fit in with new routines and new people. This can be exhausting for them. Having a new teacher, or teachers can be exciting but can also be overwhelming and so it’s wise to recognize that children are working not only at their academic work, but also a new social structure.

You are your child's strongest supporter, they're lucky to have you so make sure you take some time for yourself and allow yourself to be the 'good enough' parent that we all hope to be.

Intutive Healing Therapy

Fri, 16 Jan 2015 03:21:22 GMT

Tena koutou...And welcome to another year. I cannot believe it has been about a year since my last column, where did the time go? I guess I have been so tied up in my Mahi and the busyness around my Whanau, that the time gets quickly swallowed up.

I love the feel of a New Year as it offers us all a space for new beginnings, leaving the residue of the past year behind and starting afresh. This new, renewed space allows for the birthing of new ideas and perhaps a place for dreams to evolve.

This year sees Parentline Manawatu birthing some new ways of working...From January onwards, I will not only be providing Counselling/Therapy to Clients and Whanau but I will also be able to offer Spiritual Healing, in way of Mirimiri and Intuitive Healing Therapy. My room has taken on somewhat of a shuffle around, to accommodate this new and long awaited thread to my Mahi.

Too often I work with individuals with whom the conventional or mainstream therapy isn't enough and work at a deeper level is needed...Clients often present with old historical wounds as well as deep seated grief, of which some spiritual intervention can be really beneficial during these times. Many of the parents we work alongside, have often been trudging through their life, carrying lots of old baggage with them, which has a huge impact on their ability to parent from a wise and caring place. My hope is that this new piece to my work, will allow for clients to really move old wounds and hurts out, and find a more comfortable place to sit with the grief.

As always, we continue to provide a wide variety of parenting programmes, of which are Triple P Teen Group, Triple P Discussion Groups, Blended Families, What Pushes Your Buttons, The Incredible Years, and Great Fathering...Our group work has been really beneficial in bringing change into the homes of the different whanau who access our services...Whanau travel as far as Dannevirke and Levin to attend these programmes. I am a part of facilitating the Group for Parents of Teens, and I have been witness first hand to the changes being made by the parents who attend this programme. It is these changes that keep me inspired to continue to be a part of, and facilitate these groups. Please, if you are beginning to feel powerless and run down in your role as a parent/caregiver, don't hesitate to contact us here on 06 355 1655 for some support...If Counselling/Therapy/ or Spiritual Healing aren't your thing, you could always enroll in one of our groups, we would love to have you on board.

Nga Mihi Kia Koutou
Joanne Te Paiho

Family connection

Thu, 15 Jan 2015 03:17:32 GMT

Tena Koutou..Whanau/Family. How do we look after all the intricate relationships that dwell inside this multifaceted organization, for want of a better word? I feel it would be fair to say that on some level or another we may have all experienced some challenge or conflict associated with our family of origin...The definition of family, according to the dictionary, is a group of people who are related to each other. In the Maori world, of course, the definition of Whanau, stretches far and beyond the restraints of being just a group of people who are related to each other.

So in what way do we all look after our family? I am thinking more of adults, the grown up siblings or children, that live in their own homes with their partners and children. How do we keep connection and savior the initial family unit, when personal values begin to clash? Communication pops up here for me as being one of the most important tools if we are all going to forge together. Difference doesn't have to mean division, it simply means we view the world through a different lens, and that is okay.

Te Whare Tapa Wha (Mason Durie) talks about the four cornerstones of wellbeing, one of these being the connection to whanau/family. Even as adults, our wellbeing may be impacted upon if there is a breakdown. Those Whanau Hui, Whanau kai, picnics in the park, outings as a whole and family sports days, are all creative ways of remaining as one, but still holding on to the uniqueness of what you bring as an individual. Sharing in activities with your extended whanau will ensure that all important sense of belonging remains intact.

For the second year in a row now, my children and I, alongside my Mum, adult siblings and partners, nieces, nephews, grand nieces and nephews and whanau friends, all head off to, what is now fondly named, Our Whanau Camp. This doesn't happen without the all important Whanau Camp Meeting held at two of my nieces' home beforehand , to discuss the nitty grittys like our kai list and meals, within our (tight lil) budget, how we might manage and share chores etc, boundaries around others' ideas of parenting, and many more endless discussions, in preparing us for our wee journey ahead. Just within this one meeting, valuable learning and connecting is taking place...our younger generation is supported to have a voice, to have their ideas validated, this is by no means at all, an adult only covenant.

As the day draws near, there is no way of keeping a lid on the excitement we all feel as we prepare for this unforgettable time we all share with each other. The stocking up and buying of all our food supplies, the craziness of packing our kitchen sink into our vehicles, with little room to swing a cat.The bonding together as we karakia outside my mum's home, before departing, to ensure our safe travel on the roads...the Hikoi of our vehicles, following close behind one another.Tthe endless toilet and coffee stops and, finally, arriving at our destination, which quietly sits, beckoning us, to make this our home for the week. Many of our days consist of swimming at the nearby lake, kayaking, late night games of spot light, marshmallows on the fire, board games, book reading, eating and sleeping alongside each other, washing and drying dishes, preparing kai together and best of all the memories that are being created for our children in amongst all of this...Taha Wairua: tick, taha hinengaro: tick, taha tinana: tick and taha Whanau: big tick.

We all arrive home with the beautiful feeling of closeness and feeling supported. Relationships have been strengthened, and we feel in good stead to be able to manage whatever may lie ahead in our year to come. A foundation in family unity has been created...next on our agenda are frequent whanau hui and kai, throughout the year, to maintain this bond and support each other.

I would like to encourage you all to think about ways that you may be able to strengthen your whanau connections whether that is with your family of origin or your own adult children, it doesn't have to be long periods of time spent, if you find that challenging, connecting in whatever way works for you is a great start.

Tangata ako ana I te whare, te turanga kit e marae, tau ana?
A CHILD WHO IS GIVEN PROPER VALUES AND IS CHERISHED WITHIN HIS FAMILY, WILL NOT ONLY BEHAVE WELL AMONGST FAMILY BUT WITHIN SOCIETY AND THROUGHOUT HIS LIFE.

Joanne Te Paiho

It takes a village to raise a child

Fri, 15 Nov 2013 03:23:00 GMT

Tena Koutou. 'It takes a village to raise a child', an old human development phrase from my study days, but one that has stuck with me. What does that mean exactly and how well are we doing this in our communities?

This may mean that we are connected into the community that we live in, our surrounding neighbourhood and whanau. We are aware of the difficulties a family may be facing and we put our hand up to help where we can. It may mean that within whanau and extended whanau, we are getting involved and meeting a need when asked. How realistic is this and how might you personally make a difference to the families and children around you?

It could be as simple as offering to take a child out for an afternoon to give a parent a break; cooking a meal for a family, where the parent is unwell; offering your ear and a cuppa to a parent you know is struggling; offering some help with transport for children to get to school, whose only means of transport is to walk; dropping baking into families who may be struggling financially. These are just a few suggestions; I'm sure you can all come up with your own and I'm certain that we can all think of at least one family that we know would benefit from our input in some way. Throughout our lives we may all have times when we need support of some kind whilst raising our families. I feel that eventually it all comes out in the wash, and we come through and conquer our difficulties, leaving us in good stead to be a helping hand to others. Almost like paying it forward, we all have something great to share and pass on to others.

I would like to gently challenge you all to offer your hand to a family, a parent, or a child in need and watch the ripple effects of your kindness impact positively in their world.

If you or someone you know could benefit from the support we offer here at Parentline, you can contact us on 06 355 1655.

Nga Mihi Kia Koutou

In Limbo

Tue, 15 Jan 2013 03:24:40 GMT

Tena Koutou, and welcome to another year. I hope you have all managed to manoeuvre your way through the Christmas festive season to a space where you are beginning to prepare yourselves for the year ahead.

Recapping on conversations over the past week with various friends and family, it would seem that this is an unusual time of the year. People are out of their norm and feeling as though they are sitting a little bit in limbo. Individuals are struggling to beat back the tiredness that sits around. It's tiredness, unlike any other, perhaps the body's way of rejuvenating before the year is in full swing again. Individuals are pondering with anticipation about what lies ahead or maybe the grief of what they have left behind in the previous year. It would seem that this is a time for reflecting upon hopes and dreams that are yet to be birthed. It's a time to become reacquainted with those goals you may have set yourself, that have yet to come to fruition. A New Year almost gives us the opportunity to reinvent ourselves.

My encouragement to you all is to maybe just pick up one of those goals or ideas that you had at the beginning of last year that you didn't manage to get around to and run with it, during 2013.

If you are looking at making some changes within your Whanau, we are here to support with various parenting programmes and counselling. You can call in and see us in Community House, 77-85 King Street or contact us on 355 1655.

Nga Mihi

Jo Te Paiho

Merging Homes

Mon, 15 Oct 2012 03:25:47 GMT

Tena Koutou. It has been some time since my last column; I hope the winter months have been kind to you all. I took some much needed space away from my work over the winter period, to make some changes, rejuvenate, do some work around my internal world and lay to rest some of my historical journey. You could say that I've been away doing my eat, love and pray thing. This has turned out to be a life changing event in redefining what is most important to me. One of the things I discovered along the way was that I previously had little time, to be a Nana to my three grandsons. With work obligations and parenting responsibilities and looking after me, this very important role barely got a look in. Although I was about in intervals, for the boys and my daughter, I didn't have a lot to give at the end of my hectic weeks.

I can now happily report that this Nana role has been ignited in me, after having merged homes with my daughter and her three very busy little men. This is still in the transition stages, and has been a rough and tumble kind of ride. Bringing two families together is not a straight forward venture, as we have all rather abruptly recently found out.

My daughter and I have very different ideas around the domesticated areas of our home; I say that that with some emphasis around the word different, so we have had to work really hard to find a balance that works for both of us. We are still in the process of doing this. And I guess it's here that I want to relay to anyone who is planning to engage in a similar living experience, know, that it is a process and that having patience is a must. Being two very strong headed woman, this has been fraught with much conflict, and at times, timeout has been called. This has helped to take a breath, some time to discover new ways to do things, and the opportunity to come back together, hopefully, fresher and with some renewed goals in place.

I guess, the preciousness and the gems of this new living experience are wide and varied. The one that comes to mind as I write this, is waking up to my oldest grandson standing next to my bed at about 6 am watching and waiting patiently as I stir awake, just so he can have morning hugs and cuddles. If he has had to wait too long he will just lightly begin to tap me on the shoulder and gently shake me awake or just slide in beside me. He also said to me, on arriving to our new home, that now he doesn't have to miss me because he can see me every day. Not long after he stirs me awake, he is closely followed by his younger sibling, who jumps in on the other side for his morning hugs. My baby grandson,(who on hearing me call him a baby, would be sternly telling me in no uncertain terms, I not a baby, I a big boy) is still fast asleep. From the rebellious screams that echo from his room when being dressed for his busy day at day-care, it has been clearly established that he is not a morning person. So it is all fun and games in our Whare at the moment, some days being more fun than others. I will keep you all updated with any new developments on my home front, and for any fellow travellers out there, I would love to hear of your experiences and maybe some words of wisdom you may have to share with us all. One thing I have learnt recently, is that this whole parenting thing is such a journey that continues to evolve as we grow and take on board new tools. Having an openness to change and learning new ways of doing stuff seems to be a must on this parenting pathway. As parents, we all have something unique to share and learn from each other.

Take care all, and remember to either come in and see us here at Parentline, Community House, King Street or give us a call on 06 355 1655, if we can support you in your parenting journey.

Nga Mihi Kia Koutou

Jo Te Paiho

Stepping up to parenting

Tue, 15 May 2012 04:27:05 GMT

Tena Koutou. Looking back over my last column, lead me to wonder if you may all be thinking, this whole parenting thing is impossible and what a load of rubbish, because who has got all their stuff sorted and what the heck does this wise adult look like...? I guess I wrote that column from a place of frustration around so many of our children being abused and dying at the hands of their caregivers or those adults around them, who are supposed to keep them safe.

I'm thinking, that in today's column, I might just slow it down a bit and look at how our parents out there, might begin a slow journey of looking at how they may care for themselves and their own needs, to allow space for them to look after their little people safely. This is key, as we can't care for others if we don't look after ourselves.

How might you all create a well-balanced lifestyle that allows you to meet your needs and feel well cared for? Here are a few ideas.

SLEEP - REST AND RELAXATION EVERY DAY.
WORK - WHETHER PAID OR UNPAID.
TIME - ALONE WITH FRIENDS, WITH WHANAU, WITH PARTNER, WITH CHILDREN.
BASIC SECURITY - A ROOF OVER OUR HEAD, FOOD, WATER, CLOTHING, PHYSICAL HEALTH, MONEY, PEACE, FREEDOM FROM FEAR/THREAT, A STABLE LIFE.
RELATIONSHIPS THAT ARE - RESPECTFUL, SUPPORTIVE, NON JUDGEMENTAL, UNDERSTANDING, VALUED, FUN, ACCEPTING.
HEALTHY PERSONAL CHARACTERISTICS - SELF ACCDEPTANCE, SELF RESPECT, CONFIDENCE, FAITH IN ONESELF, SELF LOVE, CURIOSITY, PERSONAL GOALS, PERSONAL BOUNDARIES, BEING ABLE TO SAY NO, KNOWING WHO YOU ARE, A SENSE OF HUMOUR.
BE THE EXPERT IN YOUR OWN LIFE AND ALLOW OTHERS TO BE THE EXPERT IN THEIR'S.
LASTLY - KNOW WHEN TO SEEK SUPPORT AND WHERE TO GET THAT SUPPORT EG WHANAU, FRIENDS, PROFESSIONALS.

I guess a question I'd like to leave you all with today is, what sort of parent did you need when you were a child, and what sort of parent do you think your child/children need, and are you stepping up?

I hope this finds you all snuggled up and keeping warm...

The job description of a parent

Sun, 15 Apr 2012 04:28:21 GMT

Tena Koutou. Following on from my last column around what a parent's job description may look like, I want to spend some time today, looking more closely at this.

We know that having a baby and becoming a parent doesn't come with a handbook and that most of our journey in this role is very much around learning as we go. But is this okay?? Does everyone learn as they go and are our children getting the best care that our parents out there can provide? Are our parents armed with the knowledge and tools they need to raise healthy well-adjusted adults and keep them safe as they do this.

Let's have a look at some of what might appear on this job description for Parents, to reflect upon how well prepared you may be for one of the most important roles you will play in your life.

Do you have the ability to express unconditional love, nurturing and acceptance to your young person?
Do you understand the importance of your child having a secure attachment to you?
Do you know what a secure attachment is and why it is so important to the healthy growth and development of your little person?
Are you able to maintain a safe environment at all times for your young person?
Be reliable and committed to your young person, and their every need?
Understand all the developmental stages that your child may be going through, to enable you to parent appropriately to the age/stage of your child?
Do you have a wide understanding of how your own childhood impacts on your role as a parent?
Are you able to remain in your wise adult most of the time?
Are you able to meet your own needs to enable you to meet the needs of your young people and not vice versa?
Do you have a broad understanding of what is expected of you as a parent?

There are so many more requirements, if you like, that we could add to this list but in short, I guess what this is telling us is, do you have your own stuff sorted, to enable you to put another human being before yourself. This is fundamentally what it's all about. Being solely committed to the little people that you brought into this world, is essential. The word parent is a doing word, not a noun, there is participation involved as well as a heart for this role. Being a parent isn't just about being in the same space as your child, and murmuring a few words here and there, it's about being present, actively involved, and connected.

If you felt challenged and unable to answer positively to the questions above, then perhaps there is room to begin doing some work around this area. If you feel that we could help support you to grow and strengthen in this role in yourself, contact us here at Parentline Manawatu on 06 355 1655.

Nga Mihi Kia Koutou.

Creating a positive relationship with your teen

Thu, 15 Mar 2012 03:29:22 GMT

Tena koutou, Rangatahi

Teens ... how might you develop that all important positive relationship with your young person? What sort of relationship do you think they want from you? These are really important questions to ask yourself if you feel that you are floundering in connecting from a positive place. Reflect back to yesterday and the day before that, what conversations did you have with your teen, was the interaction positive, what do you know about how their week has been? If you are sitting back, blank, thinking 'gee, the only conversations we have had, have all been negative' and you wouldn't have a clue what sort of week they have had, then read on.

It takes some time to build and form good quality relationships that are lasting. Creating a positive relationship with your teen has a lot to do with the environment that they are living in. If the environment is caring, predictable, safe and secure, this will allow for a great platform from which to build something that is solid between you both. So what might a positive relationship between you both look like. It may be about you spending time and giving your attention to your teen. What do you both enjoy, that you could do together? It may also be about you talking and listening to your teen. Sharing about your day and being interested in what's happened in their day is a great place to start. Time spent with your teen doesn't have to be long and lengthy, what is important is brief but frequent time spent with each other, and being available to your young person when they need to talk is key. Being affectionate is another part of building a positive relationship. This might just be as small as patting their shoulder or giving them a hug and don't forget the all-important L word, 'I love you'. Nobody ever gets too old to hear that. Do be prepared though, for your young person to maybe be a bit uncomfortable at first. Allow them time to get use to this new change in your relationship.

Remember that we can't change others but we can make changes within ourselves that will have a positive influence on those around us. As parents we may go around with this belief that our children are just blimmen naughty and we have no idea how that's ever going to be any different. You may be stuck with the belief that it's all about them and can't possibly have anything to do with you and your parenting or the environment in which they are living. I used to think like that, and carry that belief around, but after 24 years of being a mum and a parent, I have had to learn, that the way in which my children behave is some reflection of the way in which I am parenting, and the environment in which they are raised. Not to say that we rule out the fact that children are born with different temperaments, and that there are other outside influences that may impact on their behaviour. Different personalities and temperaments are a lot easier to parent than others, but it is up to us as the parent to find what works for the uniqueness of our young person. Another point I really want to get across is that although we may be mums and dads, we need to be parents first and foremost. I want to talk more in my next column about this word 'Parent', and what this actually entails. We talk about it a lot, but what might the job description of a parent look like?

Anyway, I will leave you all with that, and remember, you can contact us here at Parentline on 355 1655 or drop in and see us in the Community House on King Street.

If you are not a parent but would like some Counselling Support you can contact me in my Private Practice on 358 1708.

Nga Mihi

Back to school

Wed, 15 Feb 2012 03:30:25 GMT

Tena Koutou, as our little people venture back to school and we become settled back into our mahi, how do we keep that sense of peace around,so everything doesn't become all hectic and stressed.

I didn't do so well in my first week of this, as my neighbours could attest to, as I was filled with so much anxiety at the mere thought of early morning starts, that by the time the first week began, it all seemed a little higgledy, piggledy, and maybe that was down to my anticipating the worst. (Note to self for the beginning of next year, stay in present moment). School notices, requiring my financial input, already started to appear in the space on my desk in which my boys know to place anything if they want to ensure that I read it and it doesn't go astray somewhere. Waking up at 6.15 in the morning, feeling as though it is still the middle of the night, eyes barely awake, to get imaginative with the school lunches, while keeping to our budget and being mindful of the nutritional value was a stark contrast from the late morning rising through the holidays. So yea, the back to school thing can all be a bit much and in need of some adjustment time for all, and there certainly wasn't a lot of peace about, during that first week. But we made it, we have managed to roll through it, maybe tumble through on some days, but with a lot more organisation and early nights for everyone, we have settled back into something that is workable for our early morning starts. So, back to how we might keep a little of the peace around, and the slow pace of the holidays, while this thing called BUSY begins to beckon us all again for another year.

I guess taking heed of my last column will help with this, which was all about stopping to pick daisies, or smell roses, whatever it is you do, it's all about stopping to slow down. Learning how to breath properly is essential too. When I say breathing, I mean really breathing from the bottom of your puku and not just in your chest. You will know when you are really breathing because your shoulders shouldn't move, and this allows you to really inhale and exhale. This will help you to just take a minute for yourself at those times when you are feeling overwhelmed.

You have probably all heard this one many times before too, about not sweating the small stuff. This is another one of those gems that we forget when we find ourselves all flustered and stressed. When I find myself getting in a huff about something and becoming wound up, I also (when I remember) ask myself, would this matter in a year's time. If it would then it is obviously an issue that needs addressing but if the answer is no, let it go.

Again, looking after us means we are in much better shape to care for and nurture our little people and that is the KEY. If we are all out of sorts in ourselves, where we are not feeling grounded or together then how on earth do we expect ourselves to be able to care for these little people, who depend on us for most of their needs. My shout out to parents is listen to your signs, know when you need some support and reach out.

If you want to make some positive changes in your whanau, and as a parent, but you don't know where to start, you can contact us here at Parentline Manawatu on 355 1655 or call into the Community House, King Street. We would love to support you.

The New Year

Sun, 15 Jan 2012 03:31:21 GMT

Tena Koutou and welcome to another New Year. I hope that the festive season was a good one for you all and that you have recovered from the tinsel laden, Christmas wrapping day, which we all call Christmas. Don't get me wrong, I love the spirit of Christmas, but at times it feels as if we all end up on a roller coaster ride, heading for this big day, worn out by tramping down the supermarket aisles, the shopping malls, with basically a zero budget for this big extravaganza, unless you were lucky enough during the year to have popped a few dollars away. I found myself absolutely exhausted when I finally made it to this big day that we all put so much emphasis on. The day started before 6am with excited voices oohing and aahing over the gifts in their Santa sacks. As I rolled out of bed, eyes still half asleep, these sounds alerted me to the fact that this indeed was Christmas morning. After sharing in my boys' excitement and checking my own stocking, which was filled with little goodies, I got to snuggle back on the couch and indulge in some really beautiful Christmas movies, whilst cooking the ham for our potluck chrissy dinner, which was later to be devoured by many whanau members, 24 in counting. Anyway, I'm hoping that you all came though this time, unscathed and all in one piece, your puku and your pockets.

So what may lie ahead for you all, as you sit and ponder over the remnants of 2011? New Year's resolutions may be created, or previous resolutions from the year before are revisited. A New Year, allows you the space to take stock of what's happening for you and look at what needs changing, and how to live to get the most out of your life, for you and your whanau. You get to rebirth new dreams and hopes that are still waiting on the back burner for you to pick up and run with. If last year's resolutions didn't come to fruition, you may want to ask yourself what's holding you back. I want to encourage you all to take a leap of faith in the direction of your dreams. Don't waste another year going through the motions and doing what others think you should be doing, do what makes you happy and this in turn will have a positive impact on the rest of your whanau. Your little people continue to observe you, they know when you are not happy and this impacts on how they feel. You know how it is when kids play up when you are already having the worst day ever - this is no coincidence.

Whaia te iti kahuranga ki te tuaha koe me he maunga teitei

So my shout out to you all today in my first column of 2012, is for you to make this year, YOUR year. This is a time to rediscover yourself, and walk forward in the direction of your dreams. If we, here at Parentline, can be of any support, in your journey through this year, you can call in and see us, in the Community House, King Street or contact us on 355 1655.

Nga Mihi
Jo

(1) Christmas (2) Spend time with me

Thu, 15 Dec 2011 03:32:32 GMT

(1)Tena Koutou. As Christmas comes a knocking, there may be a myriad of thoughts and feelings associated with this festive time of the year for you. Ideally we may all like Christmas to be a joyous time, one to be lapped up with fun and excitement, as the tree is decorated, the whanau gathers, and traditional food is prepared, this is a time to be savoured. During this festive time, the hustle and bustle of life slows down, with work for most finishing for the year, everyone is available to just be in the moment and be with each other. Gifts are carefully chosen and wrapped and spill out from beneath the Christmas tree, awaiting the magical morning of Christmas Day ... BUT ... the reality check for many is that this just isn't how it is going to be, as so many other things overshadow this nostalgic time. Many whanau, already struggling to make ends meet, may be experiencing the whole financial worry around how Christmas will happen. Some may be experiencing Christmas day for the first time without a loved one who may have passed during the year. Parents managing separation for the first time may be feeling anxious about who will have the children and how will it all work out. Others may be concerned about loved ones ... alcohol consumption rising as the onset of the so-called silly season arrives. With this may bring concerns of whanau members acting out of their unwise place and becoming violent. This time of the year can highlight and magnify what isn't working in an individual's life. While all year round they may have consumed their lives with work and busyness, this quiet sitting still time, may bring about some mixed emotion. This mixed emotion could be for numerous reasons, maybe around being alone, and life not quite being all that they may have hoped for. The ending of another year where they may feel as though nothing has changed in their world, may also bring about some uncomfortable feelings and emotions. And for some, negative memories of childhood Christmases may return, bringing about some post-traumatic stress reactions, which can be a real challenge. Just to see Christmas decorations up in shops, or the sound of Christmas music can be a real struggle. Whilst not wanting to dampen the spirits of those readers who are fortunate to experience Christmas as a beautiful time of the year, we can't ignore that for some this just isn't how it is. So how can we all help to lift this special time of the year for those whose reality isn't so bright? What Christmas gifts might we all bring to those around us whom we know, are struggling. Perhaps if you know of someone who will be spending Christmas alone, put out a warm invitation for them to join you. Maybe check where you might be able to donate gifts and get on board supporting a food bank if you never have before. Make your Christmas gifts this year count. Gifts aren't all about material things; we can offer the gifts of sharing, love, patience, caring, kindness, and most of all TIME, these to me are the most important gifts we could ever impart to others at this time of the year. I put out a challenge to you all to really make a difference in some one's Christmas experience this year.

Naku te rourou, nau te rourou,
Ka ora ai te iwi

If you are a parent needing support during this time, just drop in and see us here at Parentline, in Community House or give us a call on 355 1655. We are available until the 22nd of December.

Nga Mihi Kia Koutou
Jo Te Paiho

__________________________
(2)Tena Koutou, Just before I farewell you for another year, I want to leave you all with a parting gift. This is a piece I came across today, titled, "From the Kids".

Spend time with me. Enjoy me.
Tell me what you like about me.
Help me find the words to tell you how I feel.
Help me feel big and proud.
Honour my feelings.
Tell me clearly what you want from me.
Be firm. Say no. I depend on you to set limits for me.
Let me know you still love me, when you don't like what I do.
Keep me safe when you get mad at me.
Let me learn by trying things.
Comfort me, when trying makes me cross.
Say sorry when you're wrong.
Show me it really is okay to make mistakes.
Coach me. I learn how to act by copying you.
It's my job to be the kid.
I need you to be the grown up.

During, what can be an extremely frazzled and busy time, leading up to Christmas Day, and with the School holidays having just arrived, I'd invite you all to take heed of this beautiful piece of writing. Allow this gift to really sit on your hearts, particularly if you are feeling stressed and overwhelmed. Your little people won't understand your stress, so slow down where you can. Looking after yourself through the Festive Season will help you to feel more resourced and equipped to parent from your wise place within. From me and the Team here at Parentline Manawatu, we wish you all a safe journey through the Christmas and New Year Break. We are closed from the 23rd of December through to the 11th of January.

Nga Mihi Kia Koutou
Jo Te Paiho

Times of sadness

Tue, 15 Nov 2011 03:33:15 GMT

Kia Ora Koutou. On a bit of a serious note today, I really want to speak out to those of you, who are feeling as though your whole world has just fallen apart. Believe me, it won't have, even if it feels that way. My world has felt like that many times, but I'm still here and all is okay, as an old whakatauki or saying goes, "this too will pass". Although these times of despair, sadness, and let down, can be painful, they won't last forever. Often people, particularly our young people, may not have that insight, they may not have had to experience enough ups and downs to know these are just seasonal times. Just as winter falls upon us bringing with it many dull, cold and rainy days, we know that spring is never far away. And ooh how we appreciate spring and summer, but we wouldn't know to appreciate the warmth if we had never had the cold. Don't make hasty decisions during these times when you feel miserable and wonder what life is all about. It may be the break up from that special person in your life, it may be family conflict or family breakdown, it may just be that your mood has been low for such a long time, you have forgotten what happiness feels like or even looks like. It's at this point, I really need you to reach out.

Ending your life is not an option aye, it's just not, you will get through this low time, life is such a long adventure that this moment you have right now is just such a teeny weeny part of the bigger picture. You are a unique person, with a purpose to be here and so much to offer the world, so don't allow others and yourself to miss out on the great journey you have ahead of you, by ending it all, over a seasonal change in your life Confide in a friend or family member, don't try and walk through this sad time on your own. If you really feel like there is nobody that understands or hears you, reach out to the School Counsellor, or a Community Agency, someone will hear you. Youth One Stop Shop is just a phone call away and you can contact them on 355 5906. As parents, if you need our support here at Parentline, give us a call on 355 1655. I'm one of the Counsellors here and I'd love to support you and walk alongside you through this time.

Remember seasonal, seasonal, seasonal ...this is just a season in your life, it's not a forever feeling...Take care all.

Nga Mihi
Jo Te Paiho

Do your parents really suck?

Sat, 15 Oct 2011 03:34:03 GMT

Kia Ora all, my name's Jo, I'm one of the Counsellors at Parentline Manawatu. I'm a mum of three, ages 8, 13 and 23 and I have three mokopuna, who are 1, 4 and 5 years of age. I've been asked to write a bit of a blog to all the young people out there, and this is the first of many to come, enjoy. Mmmm, find me one young person that doesn't think their Mum or Dad sucks, at some stage through their teenage years. I did, when I didn't get what I wanted or couldn't go to that cool party that everyone else was going to. So what do you reckon it's like to be your mum and dad, raising you and trying their very best to get it right. Bottom line with most parents of teenagers, they just want to keep you safe. When they lay down the law and say you can't do this, you can't go there, you can't wear that, they are just trying to provide you with some boundaries that keep you safe until you are old enough to create your own boundaries... So they might get it a bit wrong sometimes and go completely overboard with their rules and regulations. Remember you didn't come with a hand book on how to raise you, and at the age you are now, 13-16 years, they could be feeling totally freaked out about how to get through this stage in your life. What are some of the things they could be freaking out about? ... Sex is surely going to be way up there on their list, right next door to drugs and alcohol. The most important and essential ingredients needed to get through this tough stuff is communication, communication, communication. The more you talk and share your world with your folks, the more comfortable they may feel about pulling back the reins a bit, and giving you some freedom. This freedom will deeply depend on how much they can trust you to do the right thing. The hope is that they have taught you enough to be able to make the right choices when you are faced with these issues of sex, drugs and alcohol. Your parents are only human, aye, all the different feelings you may experience about being a young person, they too will be feeling stuff. Go easy, and remember, they won't suck all the time, and with you all on board, ultimately working towards the same goal, which is of course all about you and your wellbeing, you can't go wrong.

If you think your parents could do with support from us, as they navigate their way through caring for you, they could contact us here at Parentline on 355 1655.

Nga Mihi
Jo Te Paiho

Keeping it simple

Thu, 15 Sep 2011 04:35:03 GMT

Tena Koutou, in thinking about what to write about in today's column, there are three words that come to mind "Keeping It Simple". This is often what I try to encourage in clients when times get a bit rough and life decides to throw those curved balls, that none of us are ever ready to catch.

You may be journeying through the death of a loved one, or faced with whanau breakdown, it may be past issues catching up with you and wanting your attention, or it just could be that you have found yourself in a place that is uncomfortable and unknown to you. It could be the diagnosis of Depression or some other medical condition, in short, it may be a quandary of things, that have set you off course.

So what may this whole "Keeping it Simple" thing look like? I guess it could be about slowing yourself down. This may give you the space to address what?s really going on within. Too often individuals may do the whole "Busy" thing to escape these uncomfortable places and the feelings associated with what may be really happening for them. When you do begin to sit quietly with yourself and realise that you are not coping with this new place, it's time to take stock of what you are needing.

"Keeping it Simple", may be about taking care to really look after your immediate needs. What may they be? It might just be about giving yourself a pat on the back that you got up this morning, when yesterday you couldn't. It might be that you cooked yourself a meal, or got out in the garden, or went for a walk. Catching up and sharing with a friend over coffee is a great way of staying connected to others, as during times of enormous stress and emotional pain it can be really easy just to shut yourself off. "Keeping it Simple" is about not staying too long in your head, where you may be doing too much thinking, and exhausting yourself. Taking a break from your head and allowing yourself to be connected to your body, through physical exercise or activity may allow you to take a break from the big stuff. Getting out in nature or out by water can also be really healing.

So in short, "Keeping It Simple", is all about looking at your immediate needs in the here and now and not looking too far ahead and it's about slowing down. Staying in the present moment is essential during these times. And of course the other really important gem here is about not "sweating the small stuff". During the times when everything just feels too big for you to manage alone, seek support from local agencies, whanau or close friends. If you are a parent and you are needing support, you can contact us here at Parentline on 355 1655.

Nga Mihi Kia Koutou

Minimal care

Fri, 15 Jul 2011 04:36:06 GMT

Tena Koutou, Minimal care, this is an expression I heard recently on TV, in reference to whanau and their tamariki. So what is minimal care - and when is minimal care deemed to be neglect?

Children need more than parents or adults in the home just to be there, they need them to be actually functioning in some type of parenting capacity. When are we all going to stand up and take responsibility for what is happening around our communities. Have we all just become too accustomed to looking the other way and thinking oh 'not my problem' and 'they'll be right'. I want to put out there today that it is our problem, our issue; we are all responsible for what happens within our own communities, within our neighbourhood and within our own whanau.

What do our kids need? Hands on adults who put their children before anything or anyone else? YES, that's right. That is what they need, they need to matter, and they need to be top of your priority list. If you are putting them in grubby old clothes, while you are wearing the best, then no, you are not putting your kids first. If you are spending more energy on the partner in your life, or other pastimes, again your children are not up there on your priority list. And if you are spending your money in other areas when your kids are short of kai, clothes etc then you have to ask yourself some really big questions. Your children are a gift, a taonga, they need to be nurtured, loved, treated with respect and most of all treasured.

I worked with a young whanau during the week, in which I visited them in their own home: mum, dad and three beautiful boys. Mum began sharing with me that she had never experienced a positive relationship with her mum, and as a consequence she felt unsure how to do the whole mum thing and whether what she was doing was right. She said 'I don?t know how to be a mum'. As I looked around their whare, where there were lots of toys, walls covered with the boy's paintings, the look of three happy contented faces, chatting away and being playful around me, something became clearly obvious to me. She did know how to be a mum, she was doing IT, without even realising it, she was being a mum, and the main tell-tale sign for me was that these boys were her world; they came first, for both these parents. These boys will go on to know they mattered; the adults in their lives cared enough to put them first. (This family gave me permission to share this piece).

Of course life gets busy and stuff happens, but the little people in our world need more then minimal care, and whatever happens they need to grow up with knowing that they were loved and treasured. The question at the beginning of this column was 'when is minimal care deemed to be neglect?'. My thoughts are, yes, minimal care is neglect, and children deserve maximum care and attention, and nothing less. If there are circumstances that get in the way of you giving your children maximum care, it's probably time to seek some support for yourself and your whanau. You can contact us here at Parentline on 355 1655 or drop in and see us in King Street, in The Community House, on the 2nd floor.

Nga Mihi Koutou

Jo Te Paiho

The Bigger Picture

Sun, 15 May 2011 04:37:05 GMT

Several parents have recently told me how much they have enjoyed Nigel Latta's recent tv series on teenagers. I have seen a few of them myself.. and was unable to resist cracking a smile..actually laughing hysterically ..through some of it. It has really got me thinking about this unpredictable journey we find ourselves on as parents. An important thing to evaluate during our parenting years, is what are we really aiming at..for ourselves, and our children? What is the big picture? We can so easily get caught up in the day-to-day conflicts and struggles and lose sight of what this is all about.

Sometimes when we are going through a particularly stressful phase of parenting, it can feel as if we are spinning round with a blindfold on. It is during these times that we need to keep a sense of what the bigger picture is. One thing that I have learnt through bringing up my own four teenagers, is that we as parents have a key role in modelling for our children. This is not all about control and dominating them, or insisting that they become small versions of ourselves, but rather keeping the long term vision of maintaining relationships with our children in mind. This is the bigger picture. It is all about keeping the relationship strong between our children and ourselves in the long term. We want to bring them up to be mature adults, who are relational, empathic, productive, and people we can eventually enjoy good relationship with.

One thing that can hinder this is when we become entangled with our children in day-to-day issues and conflicts. At times I have to remind myself that I am the adult here.. and they are still learning how to be. I am constantly sending powerful messages, modelling what it means to be an adult. If I retaliate to one of my children by calling them names, putting them down, or screaming back at them, I am modelling disrupted relationships and disrespect. The words and tones I use will stick with them, far more than their's will with me. If I use put-downs and insults, they will believe I feel this way about them, and it will have a lasting effect on our long term relationship.

I want to encourage all my fellow travellers out there in your own parenting journeys. Remember you are the adult and your children and teens will look to you and learn from you all about themselves, others, and how to relate within their own world. The legacy we want to leave our young ones is one of being able to enjoy one another in relationships long term. This will help them enjoy the benefits of healthy relationships in their own maturing and developing worlds as they launch into adulthood themselves.

Karen

Parenting through separation

Tue, 15 Mar 2011 03:37:52 GMT

Tena Koutou. I realise that this is a topic that I have previously covered, but I want to revisit it today as I feel it is such an important issue. Parenting Through Separation.

When couples have decided that their relationship is no longer working for them, and they go their separate way, what might be happening for the little people in all of this? Who looks out for them and considers their emotional responses to this major life change. These little people still need both their parents to remain active in their lives, so how might you ensure that this happens.

I guess the first step is to remember that as hard as all this is for you as the adult, it may be even harder for your children to comprehend or make sense of what's happening to their whanau unit. It's important to sit down and talk with them, as honestly as you are able to, about the changes ahead and reinforcing to them, that you both still love them and that they haven't done anything wrong. Often children can feel as though they did something that caused the breakup.

The key throughout this time will be the importance of positive communication and letting your young people know that you are there for them. If you are the parent that will be taking the sole role of the children make sure that you keep talking to them and don't shut them out. They will need your constant reassurance that you will always be there and that you won't leave the whanau unit, as their other parent has. Do your best to keep routines generally the same, as one upheaval is enough for them to cope with, without trying to manage other changes. Routine will help them to feel a sense of security, during this time.

If you are the Parent who has moved out of the home, it's still really important that you maintain and continue the relationship you have with your children. It is at this time, that if you are unable to arrange this with your ex partner, you seek support and advice around how you might do this. Here at Parentline, we can support you through this.

It's also really important to realise that you may all be experiencing a sense of grief around the loss of the whanau unit. The young people will feel a loss around the parent that has moved out and this may be expressed with anger and tears and times of having low moods. If you are concerned about your own wellbeing through this time or the wellbeing of your young person, I'd encourage you to give us a call, on 355 1655 and together we can work through what support we can offer you all.

One more really important gem I'd like to leave to the Parents out there who are going through this challenging and emotional journey is to look after yourselves in all of this. Make sure you are getting plenty of sleep and eating well and it's really important that you have plenty of support around you during the low times. If you are able to keep well you will be in better shape to parent from your wise and well place, which is so essential for your children during this time.

Ka Kite Jo

That Special Place Within...

Mon, 14 Mar 2011 03:38:48 GMT

Tena Koutou. Parenting from that special place within...how do we develop this and become connected to this special place...? What may get in the way and overshadow our ability to be with our children in a loving, caring and respectful ways? Tiredness, financial stress, whanau breakdown, grief, depression, alcohol and drug dependency, any number of these issues can impact on the way we are with our young people and babies and the way in which we choose to parent. What does parenting actually mean, what does it look like in action? Is parenting about just being there in the same space with your children, does it involve some interaction on your part? Does it involve an emotional connection, from you to your child, what is this parent/ child relationship really all about? Let's explore this.

What did we learn and take on from our own parents about what it is to be a parent? Have you ever spoken to your children and then thought, gee that sounded just like my Mum or Dad. I bet that's a resounding yes from most of you. How was love shown to you by your parents...were your parents aware and tapped into your emotional well being, did they communicate with you, did they spend the time to really get to know you? These are all really valid questions, when reflecting on your own parenting style and how you are with your children. How well we are able to connect and be present and active in our parenting relationship with our children depends greatly on our own childhood and on how well we have learnt to connect to ourselves.

That special place I talked about earlier is a place of love and peace, a place inside yourself where your own past hurts have been healed, a place where only the softness and beautifulness of your spirit and wairua shines out. This is the beautiful part you will impart and reflect to your children, in your parenting role. If that part of yourself is hurting, sad and angry, this is what gets in the way of you being able to be with your children in a positive way and will in turn have an impact on your role as a parent. This hurt place may also be the reason you may drink or take drugs, just to ease the pain, which is only for a short moment.

In summary the parent/child relationship and what it looks like to be a parent, is about an adult being a part of a child's life, whom they know has their backing, no matter what. Whose number one priority is the little person in their life...it's about guiding with love, remaining present and connected to yourself with your children, instilling some good solid beliefs and family values, (even though as your child grows they may develop their own)...and most of all it's about SHOWING up. My thoughts are that our children come into our lives for a reason and as much as we teach them, they in turn, teach us.

In closing it's really important that when you begin to identify that your personal issues prevent you from being the parent you know you want to be and can be, that you begin to seek support. Parentline Manawatu is the place to come, where we have Counsellors on board to work alongside you and we also offer various parenting programmes.

Nga Mihi Koutou

Jo Te Paiho

Parent-Teen relationships

Tue, 15 Feb 2011 03:39:35 GMT

Tena Koutou, Teens in relationship to their parents, this can be a great combination or this can be a relationship destined for upset and turmoil for all. So what do parents out there, need to know, to enable them to have as stress free a journey as they possibly can, alongside their young person. Firstly you may need to go back to be able to go forward. What has the history of your relationship been with your young person up to entering the teenage years? This will play a huge role in how you will relate to each other through the teenage period. Do you know your young person, who are their friends, what is their favourite food, music, what are they passionate about, what do they dislike, are you aware of when they are low, how do you approach this, how do you manage their anger, what presses their buttons, what are their personal needs e.g. some young people like their own space where as others may need to be surrounded by people. So I guess, what I'm putting out there is your RELATIONSHIP and COMMUNICATION with your young person is paramount to what occurs during these years. Get alongside them, get to know them. Find some common interest that you might both enjoy, whether it be fishing, eeling, kicking the ball around, shopping, or going out to cafe's for a cuppa or a kai and a catch up. In all of this we also have to keep in mind that it's not always cool for young people to hang out with their parents, so make sure you check this out and choose activities and outings where there isn't the chance of them bumping into any of their mates. Remaining connected seems to be the key to keeping the lines of communication open and it's even better if this connection has been established from the moment your young person entered your world.

Did you coo over them when they were babas, feel good in their presence and talk to them when you were bathing, changing and feeding them. Did you welcome their arrival and did they enter your family at a happy time in your life or a time when life was challenging. All of these factors play a part in how a child feels in their family unit. These feelings, if negative, can often rear their head in the teenage years and be expressed as anger and total disregard for everyone around them. Of course there are many other reasons that young people may begin to rebel and become disruptive but 9 times out of 10 this may be because of past childhood stuff. The teenage years may often be a time when rangatahi find their voice, something they may not have had when they were young children. Also be on the lookout for their unique way of communicating with you when they can't manage to voice it. Slamming doors, the way they may begin to dress, the friends they begin hanging with, their withdrawal away from the family, these are all unspoken ways that your teenager will be trying to communicate to you, without the use of words. Listen and remain aware of these signs. If you have some really serious concerns about your young person's wellbeing, do contact their school Counsellor or the Youth One Stop Shop, and seek some support through those avenues.

Take care, Nga Mihi, Jo

Whanau life and all it entails

Wed, 15 Sep 2010 04:40:28 GMT

From taxi service to teacher, nurse, cook, gardener, cleaner, you name it, as parents, we all play these roles and more, and it can get really tiring at times. Our roles within our whanau are busy enough and then we may also have the added role of going outside of the whanau home, to hold down a job. We are also supposed to find some ME time, in amongst all the madness. This may all work okay if there are two adults raising children and keeping it all together but when there is just one parent, this can become incredibly tough. I know just how tough it can all get because this resembles parts of my own life, which has lead me to wonder how others might cope in the same predicament. Being a Counsellor I supposedly have all the answers - but newsflash, I don't! I'm just as human as all my other fellow parents that I walk alongside. Although I might know that it's important that we as parents look after ourselves so we can parent from a wise place, sometimes this can all just turn to custard, no matter how well we are caring for our own needs. And I'm certainly not saying that single parenting is always tough, as there are some real joys along the way too. I'm just talking about the tough times. So what might we all need and what can we do to lighten the load, during these challenging times.

Taking a step back from your life for a moment and reassessing what's important may be a first step. Taking a look at where you are investing your energy and time and ensuring that it is being spent wisely is also really essential. This is especially so if you work outside the home. Your children will need you to conserve a little time and energy for them when you finish work. Looking within your extended whanau to seek support with your role as a parent may be helpful. Your children will have many people around them that want to love and care for them, so allow them to do this. You do not have to be super Mum or Dad, and it is a real strength to ask for help, not a weakness, as some may think. Maybe I thought like that in the past, as I thought I could be super Mum, and I could do it all on my own. That was more my pride talking and not the reality of my situation. Letting go for just a moment and allowing someone else to care for your children, is a really liberating feeling - have a go.

In closing, being a great parent doesn't mean you have to go it alone. Reaching out for support is essential and a huge part of being able to parent well. Remember the old proverb about it taking a village to raise a child? Well, there is some real truth in that.

Nga Mihi
Jo

What is the "right" way to raise your child?

Sun, 15 Aug 2010 04:41:15 GMT

Tena Koutou. When it comes to raising children, there are a million and one ways how this can be done. This is okay if, as a couple, you both agree on a certain parenting style, but what happens when this is not the case?

And quite often this will happen as individuals are raised within different family environments, coming from diverse cultures with differences in their belief and value systems. This will raise certain conflicts between new parents and will need to be addressed, the moment the issue arises. So, down to the big question of how a couple may begin to discuss this issue together... Although it would be great if these conversations took place between a couple before they have children, it rarely happens, as these differences only become obvious once the children arrive.

So here are some basic ideas that you may want to consider when discussing how you would like to raise your children. What will the religious beliefs of the family be? What culture do you want your children to be raised in, particularly if both parents are from different cultures? What are your ideas around discipline? Are the family responsibilities to be shared, and if so, what might you expect of each other in these roles? What are your beliefs around what a Mum's role is and what a Dad's role is? Is education important? How might you celebrate birthdays, Christmas, Easter, etc - were these important to you when you grew up? Was open communication valued when you grew up or were children supposed to be seen and not heard? I could be here all day as the list goes on, but no doubt you are getting the idea of what I'm encouraging you to explore. And this doesn't just pertain to new parents; this discussion could also be helpful if your present whanau unit is in conflict over differences in parenting styles. You may have always been aware that there was a problem and over the years this issue may have grown. This can happen when children begin moving into new developmental ages and stages, particularly the teenage years. Whatever your answers may be to the questions above, neither of you are wrong in having your own personal beliefs, you just have different ideas and opinions, based on your own personal life journey and experiences. So instead of taking the win / lose stand, it's important to share your views and try to create a solid framework of beliefs and values that will work for your whanau. What I will add here, though, is that if, within your discussion, you learn that your partner is okay with using violence as a way to raise children, this is not okay and it would be important to seek support and talk to somebody about it. Parentline can offer support to parents by way of the different programmes we offer and the one-to-one counselling service we provide. You can either drop in and see us or you can contact us on 355 1655.

As spring descends on us all, bringing about the space for new beginnings and new growth, and leaving behind the dullness of winter, I hope this finds you all well and enjoying this welcome change. There is a season for everything, and if this column has spurred you, just a little, to seek positive change for your whanau, now would be a great time to do that.

Kia Kaha, Kia Maia
Nga Mihi
Jo

Mindfulness

Thu, 15 Jul 2010 04:41:54 GMT

Tena Koutou. MINDFULNESS is a word that keeps popping up around me at the moment, described by some, as a framework to live our lives by, almost like a Mantra. My own personal definition of MINDFULNESS is to continue to remain aware of ourselves and our actions in our everyday walk with others, and to remain aware of what others may be going through around us and for us all to stay grounded in the Present Moment.

Because this column is based around Parenting, let's take a look for a moment at how we might incorporate some of this MINDFULNESS into our Parenting role. When our Tamariki or Children, decide that they don't feel like listening or doing as they are told and we are feeling ourselves about to boil over, maybe this is a time to practice some of this mindfulness stuff. We might need to slow ourselves down, take a breather, start counting, whatever it takes to shift ourselves from this reactive stance to a place of responding positively and with thought. Often when we reach boiling point, there is no thinking going on, only a heck of a lot of reacting happening. Remaining mindful of what's going on for ourselves and trying to stay connected to the present moment, may help to understand some of the angry emotions we might be experiencing.

MINDFULNESS may also be about reminding us to be aware of others around us. Maybe you are aware of a Whanau member who is struggling to control their emotions around their children. Mindfulness may encourage you to reach out and offer your support to them and their children. How might this way of being impact upon our Whanau and friends? What might this role model offer to the little people around us? They may observe us being more patient, more in control of ourselves, and even a little happier. It's amazing how staying in the present moment and caring for others brings about a shift in our own mood. It would seem that my discovery of MINDFULNESS is that it is a verb (a doing word), something to be practised within ourselves and around others. So the next time you feel your temperature rising around your little people, remember to take a step back, ground yourself in the present moment and practice some of this MINDFULNESS stuff.

Nga Mihi
Jo

Tantrums in the supermarket...

Tue, 15 Jun 2010 04:42:36 GMT

Tena Koutou. You are in the middle of your weekly grocery shopping, with your little ones in tow. You manage to make it to the check out, without too much fuss, and then it starts. "Can I have this bag of lollies?" and another voice is sounding off beside you "can I have this chocolate bar?" What do you do? Now one of your little people has started to perform the haka, right there in the middle of the aisle, because he is determined to have that chocolate bar. You give in to their demands. To avoid embarrassment you buy the chocolate bar and the lollies, end up feeling powerless, and your little ones have won, yet again. You have just been successful in teaching them that if they whinge and carry on long and loud enough, they will get what they want from you. If you are not able to manage this situation in a positive way from your children's young ages, these demands will get bigger and the tantrums may end up as physical violence towards you. Believe me, this does happen and it's no laughing matter for the parent or the young person involved. It may start with just the moaning and groaning at the supermarket, but it's not long before they get older and their demands are way greater then a chocolate bar. This behaviour is all around power and control. Part of a child's development is to learn about their own self power, but it's really important that there are boundaries and they don't use their power negatively.

So before you embark on your journey of the weekly shopping, it's important that you let your little people know what happens at the supermarket. You may have decided that they can get a treat, because they have been well behaved. Let them know when they will get this and what they can choose from. You may also have decided that you are not buying a treat this time and it is important that you communicate this to your young people before you go shopping. Pick the right time of the day for your little people, maybe when they have just got up from a sleep, or after a meal - preferably not when they are tired and hungry.

If you still experience a tantrum and lots of demanding behaviour, let your young person know that this is not acceptable and whatever you do, don't give in to their demands. Remain strong, don't worry about any onlookers, as every parent has had to experience this - nobody is looking down at you. Your children will be better for it and the tantrums will soon subside when they don't accomplish anything.

Lastly, the next time you are out shopping and you happen to see a parent with little people who are throwing tantrums, try and look the other way. Be more compassionate about the situation and remain mindful that this is a parent doing their best to practise some valuable effective parenting strategies which will have a positive impact in the lives of their little people.
Until next month, take care.

Nga Mihi
Jo

Child development and slow release fertilizer

Thu, 15 Apr 2010 04:43:27 GMT

Firstly, what do hydrangeas have in common with children? Well, as it turns out, not lot. Secondly, what does Parentline's upcoming 'X Factor Parenting' presentation have in common with hydrangeas? Once again, nothing that jumps out at you right? But if, metaphorically speaking, we confer that how we tend to and nurture the needs of our growing garden has similarities to how we might tend to and nurture the needs of our growing children then we might have found the connection. For example, if we wanted to optimise the growth of our favourite hydrangeas we might position them in a well-drained soil, in a semi-shaded area of the garden. To optimise flowering we might have carefully pruned them back in early spring and added a slow release fertiliser when the growing season kicks in. On the other hand, we if we weren't so focused on our hydrangeas becoming strong, robust plants that reward us with a colourful spray of colour in their prime we might go about planting and simply hope for the best. In this case we might have planted them where drainage is poor or there is not enough shade, we may overlook watering, pruning, or fertilising them, and heaven forbid we may even inadvertently spray them with weed killer! Which doesn't make much sense really and I'll leave you to ponder the response of the hydrangea to that flavour of sustenance! But it's fair to say when we plant our hydrangeas we do so with the hope growing strong, healthy, robust plants that behave in an according fashion. Our chances of success depend greatly on the knowledge and understanding we have about the plants needs to develop to potential in the first place and ideally, armed with this knowledge, we go about the business of ensuring our hydrangeas are nurtured and mentored into well rounded and bushy specimens from their seedling infancy.

Now bear with me non-gardening fanatics - this brings me to my next point - and I can almost hear you saying 'I still don't see the connection here. Precisely! Connections are the flavour of the month here at Parentline Manawatu! Brain connections to be more specific - along with the exciting connections we have been making for parents. On May 4th we are bringing to you Mr Nathan Mikaere-Wallis from Canterbury University who isn't coming to tell us about hydrangeas but does knows a thing or two about connections of the neuro-scientific variety. And here's the metaphoric connection - I emphasised the importance of providing all the needs of the plant we want to grow to its full potential from seedling infancy - well Nathan is coming to talk to us about what latest research is telling us about nurturing and facilitating children's brain development and growth and how this pertains to the practical side of things in our role as parents.

Effectively, latest research largely contradicts ideas that have previously and are still currently popular about how to facilitate children's development and learning. New technologies have provided some clear scientific insights that show how our children are nurtured and responded to from very early on has significant implications for later intellectual and emotional development. This includes how they go on to learn, problem solve, relate to others and manage their own emotions and children's early experiences form the nature of how connections in the brain are hard-wired for later life functioning. Nathan takes information from the neuroscience findings and translates the results into helpful parenting information on childhood development and encourages us to consider what really is important about our parenting roles and indeed the roles of other significant influences in children's lives like education and childcare.

So just as we might utilise the benefits of a slow release fertiliser to ensure a great performing garden of hydrangeas we will hear from Nathan how we can slowly and effectively fertilise our children's developing brains and avoid later difficulties by inadvertently mistaking our parenting fertilisers with parenting weed-killers! Be prepared to be entertained, challenged and enlightened by Nathan's practical lens on the research and learn effective and practical ways of responding to challenging behaviours while maintaining positive and warm relationships with your children.

A parent and foster parent himself, Nathan has worked as an early childhood and primary teacher, child counsellor, and education manager. Nathan's current role is lecturer at Canterbury University's College of Education, School of Human Development and Educational Studies. He is the founding member of the Te Wai Pounamu Brainwave Board, a presenter for Brainwave Trust and a trainer for Child Protection Studies. He also works within his own consultancy called 'X Factor Education'.

Kelly

How much is enough?

Mon, 15 Mar 2010 03:44:21 GMT

How much is enough?

When teenagers begin abusing and hurting either you the parents, or other siblings, how much is enough and what should you be tolerating from your young people. My thoughts are that it is about zero tolerance to the big stuff that has the whole household turned upside down. The big stuff I'm referring to is any type of physical or verbal abuse within your home. As parents what is your bottom line and what are the boundaries? For example, is it okay for your children to swear at you or their siblings and is it okay for them to hit out and break and smash things when they are feeling angry.

It's really important that you become clear about what you expect of your children, from the time they are able to understand . You wouldn't allow your friends or extended whanau to come into your home and do these things to you, so no, it's not okay for your children to be acting out in this way. Setting boundaries and following through with consistent consequences, will enable your children to make better choices.

It is our role as a parent to make sure our children know how to behave appropriately and how to express their angry emotions safely, without hurting others. Some ways in which we might do this is in our own role modelling. How do we react when we are upset or angry. Our little people are standing by watching our every move and if we want them to start behaving better, it needs to start with us first. We won't always get it right either when our emotions overwhelm us, but it's what we do most of the time that counts. It's okay for children to know that we are not perfect, but that most of the time we are behaving in a way that models to them some positive behaviour. Home, is the one place that our young people learn how to relate to others. The relationship they have with their parents and siblings becomes the fundamental blue print for the relationships they have with others in the future.

As parents, you are only human, and it is not your role to be exposed to abusive behaviour from your young people. If this is happening in your home it's really important that you seek help. We, at Parentline, can help by offering you individual or whanau Counselling to work through these issues. We also offer parenting groups, which may also be able to support you in your parenting role.

Nga Mihi, Jo

When parents go their separate ways.

Sun, 14 Mar 2010 03:45:18 GMT

Tena Koutou. When couples have decided that their relationship is no longer working for them, and they go their separate way, what might be happening for the little people in all of this? Who looks out for them and considers their emotional responses to this major life change. These little people still need both their parents to remain active in their lives, so how might you ensure that this happens.

I guess the first step is to remember that as hard as all this is for you as the adult, it may be even harder for your children to comprehend or make sense of what?s happening to their whanau unit. It?s important to sit down and talk with them, as honestly as you are able to, about the changes ahead and reinforcing to them, that you both still love them and that they haven?t done anything wrong. Often children can feel as though they did something that caused the breakup.

The key throughout this time will be the importance of positive communication and letting your young people know that you are there for them. If you are the parent that will be taking the sole role of the children make sure that you keep talking to them and don?t shut them out. They will need your constant reassurance that you will always be there and that you won?t leave the whanau unit, as their other parent has. Do your best to keep routines generally the same, as one upheaval is enough for them to cope with, without trying to manage other changes. Routine will help them to feel a sense of security, during this time.

If you are the Parent who has moved out of the home, it?s still really important that you maintain and continue the relationship you have with your children. It is at this time, that if you are unable to arrange this with your ex partner, that you seek support and advice around how you might do this. Here at Parentline, we can support you through this.

It's also really important to realise that you may all be experiencing a sense of grief around the loss of the whanau unit. The young people will feel a loss around the parent that has moved out and this may be expressed with anger and tears and times of having low moods. If you are concerned about your own wellbeing through this time or the wellbeing of your young person, I?d encourage you to give us a call, on 355 1655 and together we can work through what support we can offer you all.

One more really important gem I?d like to leave to the Parents out there who are going through this challenging and emotional journey is to look after yourself in all of this. Make sure you are getting plenty of sleep and eating well and it?s really important that you have plenty of support around you during the low times. If you are able to keep well you will be in better shape to parent from your wise and well place, which is so essential for your children during this time.

Ka Kite Jo

What do we do and how can we help you?

Wed, 15 Oct 2008 03:46:17 GMT

Parentline doesn't just help parents with 'Terrible twos' and Teen woes. Parentline does a lot more than that.

Although there are parents that turn to us when they need some strategies - there are many more that come to deal with grief, relationship issues, change, indecision, anger and more. If something happens....and it affects you....and you are a parent....we have support in different ways to offer.

We sometimes forget how sensitive and seeing our children can be. Often we are under the misconception that the disconnection we feel with our spouse, the stress we feel because we fell out with a friend, the overload that sits on us when we are not sure what to do about buying that house or even the despair we feel when faced with redundancy....well we think we are masters at disguise and it doesn't affect those around us - least of all our children. Parentline disagrees! We offer support to you as an individual (or a couple) because we know a vast array of life issues affect you, your family and your children. Parentline was founded to support children and families. Parentline was founded to support you.

Confidential Counselling is offered. Whether it is your marriage or partnership that needs some focus or whether there are things that have come up for you as an individual - we offer a safe space to find some solutions. Parenting comes with no instruction manual (!) so if there is a bump in your parenting road we offer some strategies and some listening to help you sound things out. Counselling is confidential and our counsellors abide by the NZAC code of ethics.
Effective Parenting - Set of six two hour sessions where facilitators and parents come together to develop solutions that really work for their families. Warm informal sessions look at : Generational inheritances, conflict resolution, communication, children's development and more. Participants say they feel supported and less alone and often leave with important insights into behaviour patterns and what they really want for their family.
What pushes your buttons - This set of 5 two hour sessions helps you explore the triggers to your angry outbursts, to investigate where these triggers originated and offers tools and strategies on how to deal with them. Although parents generally decide to come because of their children, the learning from this course affects all areas where anger gets a look in. Participants say they feel an increasing sense of control as their awareness grows.
Anger Change for Mothers - A therapeutic experiential group for Mothers to explore how anger affects them.
Gain Family Programme - Five two hour sessions bring teens and parents together to bridge the generation gap and form closer connections and understandings. Communication, self-esteem, peer pressure, Alcohol and drugs, problem solving, rules and consequences - are some of the subjects broached. Participants say they leave with a better understanding of each other and that they see more opportunity to connect.
Blended Families - This workshop (generally run on one Saturday with a follow up 2 hour session) looks at a factors affecting many families today. Expectations are explored and possible strategies for improving life within a family made up of parent, Stepparent and children. The complex dynamics of blended families is explored and hopeful possibilities are brought to light. Participants say they leave with a greater understanding of dynamics and possibilities for their blended family.
Phone help line - Sometimes its just good to hear a friendly calm voice on the other side of the phone when parenting gets hard. Our trained Telephone Support Workers are on hand to be the ear of reason, to understand and support you in tough moments. If a call is not enough they will point you in the right direction for additional support.

If any of the above services could support you - give our offices a ring on 06 255 1655. Our phone line is 0800 4 FAMILY 0800 432 6459

James, DNA and irrational positivity!

Fri, 15 Aug 2008 04:47:02 GMT

James is a deceitful boy. When James disappoints his parents they are quick to remind him of it. In James' home hard work, and honesty are valued - so are kindness and love. James knows this. When James' parents tell him he is a liar, he has no argument. His feet are glued to this position the same way deceit is glued to his internal cells. At some point deceit and James became one.

Mathew sometimes lies. He lies when he feels cornered or trapped and sometimes he lies to get his own way. His parents are quick to point out when deceit may have hitched a ride on his shoulder. In Mathews home physical fitness, and honesty are valued - so are love and commitment. Mathew knows this. When his parents open the "invisible lie box" and exclaim "Whoops......looks like one may be missing...." Mathew may confirm or deny this. Mathew doesn't stand in glue. Mostly he ends up saying something like "I lied - I'm sorry". At some point Mathew realised that deceit was a little like a button you might push on the play station control; it was something you could chose. It was just one choice - out of many.

In my work I have met a few unfortunate James and a few lucky Mathews. It is quite difficult for the James's' to understand they have a choice. Mostly this is because of how others see them and hence, how they see themselves. James never hears "That doesn't sound like something my James would want to do" when his latest exploits are revealed.

If you think about the last time you felt honourable, giving, generous or kind, chances are it made you inclined to give more, do more, or be more. A kind of warmth sat in your chest and you wanted more of it.

The experience of achieving and giving is infectious. Sometimes even when we have done wrong (been rude to our spouse / forgotten yet another lunch date) and we fix it (Cook him his favourite meal/ pick her daisies from our garden) we get that same warmth in our chest. We feel pride. It feels good to do good. And, it is no different for our children.

One of my favourite quotes is - "Every child deserves to have at least one adult who is irrationally positive about them". Now irrational positivity can sometimes be in short supply but when it is there in the flesh....when you hold it close and stand by your child's side I doubt that any anger, deceit, sulks, sadness or mischief can truly compete.

If we can find a way to unglued (or un-label) our kids, even during the most repetitive and trying of times we offer them 'choice'. When we understand that they may not always make the wisest decision about things in the first instance but we hold the hope that they will make better decisions next time or in the future - we create space. Deep breath space. Looking heavenward space.

With a little hope and positivity we can invite better choices and....warm chests.

Good cop ....bad cop.....wanna swap?

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 04:47:45 GMT

So the kids know right? They know it's Dad they ask when they want to have a sleep out, in a mouldy tent, on the back lawn, with weather forecasts of 5 degrees and steady rain. And they know it's Mum they ask at 6pm on Sunday night when they need help with their social studies assignment which is due on Monday morning.

The kids have got you sussed! Whether it's through 'personality analysis' (!) or smart timing our kids are pretty on the ball when it comes to asking for things that they want.

Whilst watching Brothers and Sisters on T.V. the other night my son exclaimed "Oh my gosh! That is just the kind of thing you would do Mum. She SO reminds me of you!" I stared back at the screen and looked anew at the character. Straight away, I knew my son was eerily accurate. "Wow, he sees me", I thought, "He sees me !". Out of the mouths of Babes" - so the saying goes.

Have you ever wondered how it is that your child 'sees you'?

We all have a uniqueness that influences the roles we play. Dad might be 'the emotive perfectionist' while Mum is 'the laid back stabilizer'. Mum might be 'the soft touch negotiator' whilst Dad is 'the firm layer down of the law'. In all relationships we make space and find our niche. Generally, when this is respectfully done between parents, the push and pull, light and shade of their roles weaves the unique dynamic that makes up their family. Sometimes though we can find ourselves cornered into a role that we no longer want, that doesn't work or perhaps a role that stops us from stepping into a different role as much as we'd like.

The expression 'he was angry enough for both of us' explains well how a partner might influence our behaviour. When one person is so proudly the organiser it might not leave anyone else (including their partner) room to be this. Feelings of frustration or inadequacy can step in. Even, as a single parent we have a certain ways we see ourselves - a certain 'parental identity' that can disallow us ways of being we might prefer.

How might it be to step away from 'planned and organised' and into 'we'll go where the breeze takes us' - even just for an afternoon? Or how might it be for 'the timekeeper' to take a break sometimes and be able to hand her watch over to Dad? Likewise it might be good for Dad to come home and find that consequences have already been metered out and he is free to cuddle by the fire with the kids and be 'just loving' tonight.

Is there a part of your parenting role you would like to play more often? Good cop / Bad cop....wanna swap?

Oxygen masks

Tue, 15 Apr 2008 04:48:26 GMT

Most of us who have flown anywhere will recognise this -"If you have a child or person next to you who requires assistance please ensure you place the oxygen mask on yourself first.....".

As a parent this goes against instinct. It also goes against commonly held societal expectations in many families and cultures. We give up a lot for our kids and if it came to it - we would give up our lives.

Of course there is an essential need for the instructions above. If you pass out for lack of oxygen, you are no help to your child at all. Great - he may get oxygen fast - but he will have no parent to help him, with the possibly traumatic events to follow, if you don't.

The quality of our parenting is directly connected to the quality of our well being. A tired, ill, stressed or gloomy parent is in danger of producing tired, ill, stressed or gloomy parenting decisions and attitudes. In contrast a parent who feels energetic, healthy, calm and happy is more likely to reflect this in their day to day relationship, attitude and decisions with their children.

Exhausted and at the end of your rope, you walk in at the end of an overloaded work day to discover your 10 year old has been stood down from school. Frazzled and frustrated from a day at home with 2 kids under 5, endless piles of washing and no adult company, the final straw is when you discover your 2 year old got into the medicine cupboard. Juggling bags of groceries you realise you forgot to collect your prescription at the chemist but only have 20 minutes to get the tea ready - you choose the tea over your prescription and get no sleep that night.

Life happens. The best we can do is, well.... the best we can do. A wise person once said to me (with regard to decisions I had made as a parent) "You can only do the best you can , with the information and knowledge you have at the time". This is true. It is also true that at the times I believe I could have done better, there would have been something impacting on me. Something life threw at me - or something I threw at myself.

If we as parents take care of our own needs first, we are wisely parenting. We must take what we need in order to give what we would like. Eat well. Get some exercise. Feed your mind. Feed the part of you that isn't a 'parent'. Fill your emotional tank. Get some quiet, some fun and some interaction with peers. Choose commitments well. Paint. Dance. Take a drive. Fill up so you have something to give out. It's not good enough to say "I'm too busy for me". It's not good enough because if your kids indeed come first, they deserve the best you can give.

We 'choose' consciously and unconsciously in every moment of every day. We choose to stay in jobs, relationships, courses or clubs - or we choose to stay out of them. We choose to work through lunch or let friends slip to the bottom of our to do lists. What we don't always realise is that a 'selfish' 5 minutes in the garden or lunch with a friend may be just enough fuel to take us through the next parenting moment in our day more joyfully, calmly, gratefully or sanely than if we had never made those choices at all.

Of kings and happy endings

Sat, 15 Mar 2008 03:49:04 GMT

If you are into warm fuzzy reads.....you scanned the right page ....read on....

A few weeks ago, if you were in the area of Cloverlea, you may have received my heartfelt flier - about a lost cat. Kitcat had gone missing. Now Kitcat is no ordinary cat (as few are) and I was very distraught when this much treasured member of our family failed to come home. I set about on a campaign to find him ; posters, fliers, SPCA, vets, internet - no effort too big , no stone unturned.

Within a day I was called to the first 'sighting'. A few neighbourhood kids rode up my drive on their bikes and told me they had seen the wandering feline a few days earlier. The next day a parent phoned me to say his children had seen him a little farther afeild and the day after that two young girls excitedly lead me to a neighbours cat (a feline look-alike).

After some 5 days of endless searching, calling, hoping and crying....I was woken at 3am by a faint meow. Holding hope at arms length, I crept downstairs to find a bedraggled, wet, famished pussy cat in my kitchen. "Meow", he said "The king is back".

As I sat in the dark on the carpet letting Kitcat head-butt, purr and relate his story, I was struck by the reaction of the children in my neighbourhood. They had risen to the challenge. They had become involved. They had wanted me to feel good (find my cat) so they could feel good and you know - I felt a warm gratitude for this upcoming generation.

Someone said that kids need an opportunity to be noble - to be a hero - to do good and, after this 'lost cat' experience, I know they are right. My neighbourhood kids were much more caring, concerned and empathetic about my plight, than most of the busy and life seasoned adults. For all their lack of life experience, these kids knew loss....and they knew hope.... and they were prepared to put the footwork into befriending the latter.

The morning after Kitcats return, I bundled him into my arms and walked out onto the street where I live. One small boy riding by on his bike, shrieked with delight when he saw us. It was evident I had given him joyous news (even though he knows neither me nor my feline very well) and he biked off in search of neighbourhood peers with which to rejoice.

My point is? Give kids a chance to be noble. Give kids a chance to do good. Give them a chance to step up and give. Encourage them to befriend hope, sacrifice and hard work in ways that make their heart swell. Ignore your adult wisdom long enough sometimes to join in their pursuit of re-directing the injured, wayward duck, building the cardboard tree-house (because Jimmy doesn't have one),walking with Sarah all the way round the block to find the end of the rainbow or join them on their mission - to find a missing cat. As adults we know that ducks die, cardboard gets wet, rainbows are elusive and that some cats never return. But 'missions impossible' breed Heroes and Heroines - whether the ending is happy or not.

My thanks to the Cloverlea kids for letting me know they cared, for putting some legwork into the caring and for taking a little hope and stretching it a lot.

Happy endings.